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| 5-year-olds who play
after being put to bed; Dealing with bad behavior learned at school A: If after you put them to bed, your children stay in their room, which I assume they do, and they get up in the morning when they are supposed to get up, which I assume they do, then my advice is let well enough alone. Put them in their beds, kiss them goodnight, and as you are leaving their room, say, “If you get up to play, please close your door and play quietly.” In fact, I doubt you even need to say anything. Just leave, then relax and remind yourself how fortunate you are.
A: The title line from song popular in 1919 asked “How you gonna keep ‘em down on the farm after they’ve seen Paree?” The reference was to young men returning from France after WWI, but the sentiment is apropos to your son, and not your son only. You are by no means the first parent who has ever petitioned me for advice as regards a kindergarten child who has “seen Paree” and misplaced his manners. The problem speaks to the fact that many of today’s children, having been the recipients of all-encompassing entitlement since infancy, have little if any respect for adults. And by the way, you are mistaken that your son is acting like a teenager. Until fairly recently, American teens had great respect for adults. Your comparison needs, therefore, to be narrowed. How about, your son is acting like le enfant terrible? This calls for what Grandma termed “nipping in the bud.” You need to send your son a strong, unequivocal message of disapproval, one that will get his attention and persuade him to be more selective when it comes to the influence of his peers. Are you up to being calmly intolerant? If so, then when the first occasion of boorishness occurs on any given day, take him to his room and tell him that’s where he’s staying for the remainder of the day (even if said boorishness occurs at 9 a.m. on Saturday morning). Add that you are going to relieve his tedium by putting him to bed one hour early. Make calmly clear that you are no longer going to tolerate misbehavior that he brings home from school. (Note: If his room, as is often the case these days, is a self-contained entertainment complex, you will need to reduce the level of stimulation therein by at least 75 percent before beginning his rehabilitation.) Let me emphasize that for your intolerance to come across loudly and clearly, you must implement his confinement upon the first instance of misbehavior, not the second or third. It is axiomatic that the more softly a parent speaks, the more clearly a child hears. First thing the following morning, say, “I truly hope I don't have to do that again. I'm not going to, am I?" When you pick him up from school the next day, ask, "Are you going to force me to confine you to your room today?" I’m confident of his answers. If my experience serves me well, the first instance of solitary confinement will serve to rehabilitate him for a few days. The second instance will suffice for a week or so. The third confinement is usually “the charm,” but be prepared for the occasional relapse nonetheless. In the final analysis, the only 100 percent guaranteed, permanent solution is to move to a remote island in the South Pacific or a mountaintop in Tibet. |
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