| Proper communication
key to discipline, Pt. 2
6/29/06
Last week’s column left the reader in suspense. In keeping with
my contrarian nature, I said that the proper discipline of a child is
not accomplished by properly manipulating reward and punishment. It
is not primarily a matter of applying right consequences by means of
right methods. In short, behavior modification is not the answer to
behavior problems. It goes without saying that today’s parents
believe that what works with a dog or rat will also work with a human
being, which is why they are having so many more problems with discipline
than did parents fifty or more years ago. (To read last week’s
column, CLICK HERE)
“So consequences aren’t important?” asks the skeptical
reader.
Read me carefully. The discipline of a child is not primarily a matter
of applying right consequences by means of right methods. But consequences
are important. They are absolutely and without a doubt necessary, in
fact. But consequences do not change behavior—human behavior,
that is. If a dog does the wrong thing, the right consequence applied
rightly will cause the dog to begin doing the right thing. Now, every
one reading this column should have enough experience to know that doesn’t
work quite so neatly with children. If a child does the wrong thing,
and the adults in his or her life do the right thing, and do it as consistently
as sunrise, the child may just keep right on doing the wrong thing.
“But children have been known to change their behavior in right
directions, John,” continues the skeptic. “What brought
about the change?”
Well, you said it—those very children themselves brought about
the change. They chose to begin doing the right thing. You see, the
only force that can change human behavior is choice, made by the human
in question, child or adult. From this perspective, consequences can
promote right choices, but whereas the dog and the rat respond involuntarily
to consequences, humans can consciously resist the power of consequences.
Anyone who has lived with a toddler has borne witness to that—or
a teenager, for that matter. The toddler yells “You’re not
the boss of me!” and the teenager yells “I don’t care
what you do to me!”
“But you said consequences are necessary, John. Necessary for
what?”
Where children are concerned, consequences are information-delivery
mechanisms. Concerning a given behavior, right or wrong, either a consequence
delivers the correct information, or not. In order for the information
to be correct, the consequence must reflect how the Real World will
respond to similar behavior from the child, when he is an adult. One
can only hope that the child will use the information properly—that
it will persuade the child to begin making or continue making right
choices.
So, and for example, a 7-year-old tells his parents, in the most belligerent
tone imaginable, that he is not going to clean up his room. Later that
day, he discovers that he cannot go outside to play with his friends
or watch his favorite program. Furthermore, his parents send him to
bed one hour early. Those are good consequences, because in the Real
World, when someone defies a legitimate authority figure—an employer,
for example—things will happen that will ultimately result in
a restriction of privilege.
But no matter how many privileges his parents confiscate, the child
may just keep right on defying their authority. What should they do?
They should hang in there. They should accept that their influence in
his life is not absolute, that no matter how well they discipline, some
other agent or agency may have to finish the job for them, if it is
ever finished at all.
The bottom line: If you want easy, don’t have children. Get a
dog.
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