Washington Publishers Tallahassee Florida Click here to visit our Parenting Forum

A Family Value John Rosemond

John Rosemond - Parenting Expert

John Rosemond is America's most widely-read parenting authority! He is a best-selling author, columnist, speaker, and family psychologist. Index | Archives | About John Rosemond | Books | Submit A Question

Sense of humor is essential for handling rebellious child 08/07/07 Q: Our middle child, 5, is aggressive, loud and disrespectful when anyone dares to deny her or make her do something she doesn’t want to do. The end result is a tantrum that can last up to an hour. The powder room is her “tantrum place” (we’ve read your books), but she opens the door and screams down the hall. In desperation, we emptied her room of toys, books and all but essential clothes. It took her a month to earn her stuff back, at which point she went right back to square one. Last night, she screamed in church, the parking lot, and all the way home because we left early to get our littlest to bed, and she didn’t get to have a cookie. We’re at the end of our rope. Help! A: You’re doing fine. You aren’t giving into her tantrums, which is Tantrum Principle Number One. You’ve created a “safe” but isolated place in which she can throw tantrums to her heart’s content, which is Tantrum Principle Number Two. You followed through on a consequence that would leave a fairly indelible impression on most children her age. Last night, you didn’t turn around and retrieve the cookie. Like I said, you’re doing fine, but your daughter is not a dog. I pointed that out because many of today’s parents seem to think otherwise. They think, as a dog trainer once told me, “Disciplining a child is no different than training a dog.” I concluded that said trainer did not have children. There’s no comparison, actually. If a dog does the wrong thing, and its trainer does the right thing, the dog will stop doing the wrong thing. However, if a child does the wrong thing, and his/her parents do the right thing, there is no guarantee the child will stop doing the wrong thing. Said differently, correct consequences will compel a dog to change its behavior, but correct consequences will simply cause a child to stop and think. In so doing, some children will decide that it is in their best interests to change their behavior, but some children will decide to simply fight that much harder. Some dogs are harder to train than others, true, but a dog that’s hard to train is not purposefully rebelling against the authority of its trainer; its just not getting it. Your daughter gets it. She’s decided that you’re not the boss of her; that nothing you can do to her will make a difference; that she is the sole authority in her life; that she is going to have her way come perdition or high water; that no one has the right to tell her what to do; and so on. She’s a rebel with a cause, which is to prove that she is a supreme being. Some children come into the world determined to prove that they are above any and all law. Current pseudo-scientific mythology has it that such children are carriers of a mysterious chemical imbalance that is triggered by the word “no.” In Germany, the chemical imbalance is triggered by “nine.” In Russia, it is triggered by “nyet.” The more traditional (some would say benighted) view, of which I am a proponent, is that whereas the average child is bad to the epidermis, these children are bad to the bone. They need a lot of love and a lot of consistent discipline, but they also need parents with a sense of humor. Actually, their parents need the sense of humor most of all, because lacking that quality, they can easily go bonkers. Love and a sense of humor are up to you. As for the consistent discipline, keep in mind that for your daughter to begin mending her ways, the consequences of her behavior must bother her more than her behavior bothers you. Strip her room again, but this time, tell her that she must go a month without throwing a tantrum in order to get her stuff back, and that any tantrum, however small, during that time starts the month over again. Mind you, it may take her a long time to get her stuff back; ten years maybe. I’m just kidding. If you laughed, then you are on the way to recovery.

Copyright © 2000 - 2009 All Rights Reserved Washington Publishers
This web page is best viewed in 1024 x 768 resolution. Last updated April 2009. Over 1,194,000 page views.
This web site is maintained by Washington Publishers, Tallahassee Florida, USA, and uses Sun Domains and Software.
To have objectionable or potentially copyrighted material evaluated for removal on this site, click here.
Washington Publishers is not an affiliate of Inside Washington Publishers.
Learn more about our current privacy and information practices.