Living with Children
08/19/08
John Rosemond
Copyright 2008, John K. Rosemond
A timely conversation recently started on my website (www.rosemond.com
<http://www.rosemond.com/> ) when the mother of two young childr
en, ages 2 and 4, asked how to best tell them and how much to explain
concerning the fact that their daddy is soon to be deployed.
Concerning such things, I recommend abiding by two general rules:
First, tell young children only what they need to know. In other words,
do not, as is the tendency of all too many of today’s parents,
explain too much. The more explanation, especially in a situation
of this precarious sort, the more likely it becomes that a child will
become anxious. One might call this the KISS rule, for “Keep
it Simple and Straightforward.” Second, do not give an event
of this nature a lot of advance build-up. “Daddy’s leaving
tomorrow to be in the Army again” doesn’t give time for
a psychological drama to develop concerning Daddy’s deployment.
Treating it like a simple fact of life, something daddies and mommies
sometimes do, keeps the potential for anxiety at a minimum.
While those two rules of thumb will keep the potential for emotional
unrest at a minimum, they do not completely eliminate the possibility.
Some children deal with anxiety by clamming up, while some deal with20it
by asking question after question after question. In the first instance,
gentle coaxing and reassurance are in order. In the second, it’s
fine for parents to say “I’ve answered that already”
or even “I don’t know.” Furthermore, it’s
okay to say “I don’t know” even if you do know but
would rather not discuss that particular issue with your child.
Barb, a mom whose husband has deployed three times in the last five
years, jumped in with helpful suggestions. The first time their dad
left home to serve the cause of freedom, Barb’s kids were 4
and 7. She writes: “I kept the television off and didn’t
discuss war with the kids around. If they had questions or worries,
I reminded them that he was going to be as safe as possible and that
it was our job to pray for ALL the soldiers, not just Daddy. I set
up individual email accounts for each child as they got older, but
Dad was the only one who emailed them. They loved that! They always
got to talk to him individually whenever he called, and as long as
it wasn’t a school night, I’d wake them even if he called
late. It was worth the loss of a few minutes of sleep.”
Note that Barb also recommends sticking to the KISS rule. The email
accounts and phone calls lent a air of adventure to something that
could otherwise have been nothing but worrisome.
On the matter of the actual parting, I thought Barb’s advice
was particularly spot on. “Don’t make a big deal of it,”
she says. “Consider having Daddy say goodbye to the kids at
home, and then you, and only you, go with him to the airport. It’s
very tough on kids when they see Mommy and Daddy crying.”
On behalf of any parent out there with a soon-to-be-deployed or potentially
deployable spouse, I send many thanks to Barb, wherever she is. In
times like this, little acts of patriotism can make a huge difference.
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his
website at www.rosemond.com.
