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John Rosemond is America's most widely-read parenting authority! He is a best-selling author, columnist, speaker, and family psychologist. Index | Archives | About John Rosemond | Books | Submit A Question |
Give son the freedom to set his own homework schedule Q: My 7-year-old second-grader would prefer to come home from school and play with his friend who lives across the street. The rule in our home, however, is that he must do his homework before he can play. Unfortunately, his friend can play after school, homework or not. As a result, my son rushes through his homework and repeatedly asks if he can tell his friend that he’s almost done (which I am not consistent about allowing, which may be part of the problem). Sometimes, by the time my son has finished his homework, his friend has gone inside to start his, and the play time opportunity has been missed. Needless to say, my son gets very upset over this. What is the best way to handle this situation? A: The best way to handle this is to trust your son to get his homework done. Stop enforcing this rule. Obviously, it's counterproductive, as are most attempts to micromanage. Your son is rushing through his homework, his mind is elsewhere, and he’s regarding homework as a punishment of sorts. Simply tell him that you trust him to do his homework on his own, without a “starter,” but that he must have it finished by 8:00 or one-half hour before bedtime, at which point unfinished homework will be confiscated. The deadline, if enforced dispassionately, will cause him to learn how to manage his after-school time; and if I dare say, more effectively than you are currently managing it for him. Be sure to tell him who is responsible for his new-found freedom, and suggest that he look me up and show his appreciation twenty years from now. Q: My boys are 7 and 2. I have always been an “I tell you once” type of mom, which is how my mother raised me. Ironically, when I try to discipline my kids when my mom is around, she becomes very upset and winds up undermining my authority. She has even gotten in my face and threatened me. Needless to say, my kids’ behavior worsens considerably when Grandma is present. If I had done what they do to her—speak disrespectfully, refuse to obey—I would have been punished. She does nothing. I can’t just take them away from her. In addition to being their grandmother, she is my support system. When I talk to her about the problem, she acts like she understands, but nothing changes. What can I do? A: Let me get this straight. Your mother undermines your authority and has even threatened you when you try to discipline your children? And you won’t do anything because she is your support system? This sounds like abuse to me, in which case you are functioning as a classic enabler. I find it hard to believe that your mom’s “support” is worth the money you’re saving by depending on her. Under the circumstances, she has clearly violated her trust, and you are clearly justified in telling her that she must stay away until she is ready to truly support you in your efforts to raise boys to men who respect women. If you can’t bring yourself to do that, then the alternative is to let your mother take over completely when she is in your home or you are in hers. When she walks through the door, say, “They’re yours, Mom. Thanks for giving me a break” and let her deal with EVERYTHING. Make some excuse to leave the house. Take a nap. Weed the garden. If the kids misbehave when she’s there, go tell her and ask her if she will please deal with it. Sometimes, the best way to win a battle is to stop trying to win it. |
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